The Why

My sisters and my friends cheer me on - “I believe in you!”  “You can do this.”  My detractors – although they’d never say it out loud and incur my wrath - have suggested, “Oh that. She’s been talking about that book for years. I doubt she will ever get it done.” Ouch. But so many more continue believe in me… maybe much more than I believe in myself. Yet the book remains unwritten.

So why? With all this support, what keeps me from completing this important work?

Is it because I am a youngest and don’t like to do anything by myself (except perhaps read and play solitaire – which, let’s face it - would be kind of weird if I did these with someone else).

Is it because I don’t have a clear vision and don’t know where or how to start? I’ve gone from a fact based history to an edited collection of my Mother’s writing to my current iteration, a book of gratitude for the example my mom was in my life, the things she taught me. But, beginning any of these versions has overwhelmed me or alluded me.

Is it because I’m afraid it will be no good? (I’ve tried, “Who cares, just do it anyway”.  Only I do care, I do want it to be good.)

So what WILL help me get this done?  Maybe some examples of success such as Mary Higgins Clarke, a widowed mother of 5, who managed to get up 45 minutes early each morning to write. (Nope, still not getting up early, forget that).

Perhaps I should stop talking about it. I read that talking about a thing tricks your brain into thinking it is doing the thing. (Not helpful. I still am painfully aware of my inaction.)

A therapist friend recently asked, “Why do you want to write this book?” I answered, “I don’t want the story of my family to be lost.”  (While true, it hasn’t seemed to get me in motion either.)

I’ve tried picturing success, but I know success doesn’t come from dreams of glory, but from absolute passion.

And I am passionate! I am one of the most curious, passionate people I know. I simply seem to be unable, unwilling (whatever) to motivate myself.

I’ve listened to Tony Robbins tapes (didn’t work here, but did help me get through my first couple of scary months of teaching – thank you), oodles and oodles of TED talks, read “self-help” books by the dozen, littered my walls with endless motivational quotes (I’ll post some on a future date), the list goes on. 

So, why am I still in the “Why?  Why?  Why?” phase?

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